Everything Free, Flatulent Cows, and No More Airplanes

Posted on August 17, 2019


I started to make a note of what some politicians are arguing for today and eventually had to run to the Internet to keep track of all the fantastic changes we can look forward to in the next ten years. In the spirit of Lewis Grizzard, I offer the following examination of the truly astounding galaxy of the future for America.

I thought I had voted in some big elections in the past, but the Kennedys and Nixons and Carters and Clintons and Reagans and their big issues were peanuts to what we can anticipate in the future. Did I forget LBJ? Sorry, that’s President Lyndon Johnson for you youngsters who have taken what passes for American history in the last ten or twenty years. LBJ eliminated poverty and Kennedy and Nixon put a man on the moon. Small change compared to getting rid of millions of farting cows, eliminating airplanes and finally making the planet a fit place to live on again. And to top it off, not only will we save the world but everything we do will be free. It’s almost too much to believe.

But our leaders tell us so. In ten years for example, life on our planet will collapse in an Armageddon of toxic carbon emissions coming from everything from coal-fired energy by the yokels of West Virginia to animals passing gas. Now, my standard Poodle Dudley occasionally passes some pretty bad stuff, so Dudley will have to be exiled, perhaps droned over to some remote islands like the Guano islands off the coast of Peru which are covered with bird poop and a few gas passing dogs shouldn’t make too much difference in the quality of air there.

Ok, enough of the funny stuff. The new girls in Congress are serious about making us all safe and their principal short-term goal is to make us safe from their leader, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

The sacred mantra of their desire to free the planet of pollution—the New Green Deal– is combined with their more practical goal of freeing them from the control of Speaker Pelosi, who is nearing eighty and thinks of the girls as unstable, hormonal teenagers who need to be brought under control.

“Not on my watch,” the Speaker was heard to mumble when they did not vote as good Democrats were expected to on some recent legislation. So, not only is the planet facing destruction, but so is the leadership of Speaker Pelosi over the House of Representatives, an equally important trend as the end of the world in the eyes of political watchers.

President Trump’s fingers were on his Tweeting machine, eager to contribute to this political gift threatening to destroy the Democratic party just in time for the 2020 election, but he got distracted by a call from his new friend Kim Jong-un asking the President if he could get him tickets to the Super Bowl.

“Uh, sorry Kim,” the Prez tweeted his new friend in North Korea. “Try Vladimir Putin, I think they have the tv rights and ads bought out for the Super Bowl until after Nov. 2020. Betcha Vlad can help you out.”

Now what are those girls up to today? As the Prez went back to Tweeting, we caught up with AOC getting ready to take off for a short trip to Venezuela and Cuba to see how this free stuff is done in those countries.

They put down in Havana International to take on some fuel, but there was none available at the moment so AOC, being the celebrity that she is among the socialists of the world, was given a short but grand tour of Havana. It had to be on a rickshaw since gasoline for autos was also in short supply, but AOC looked delighted in her sampan-style hat and of course chatted amiably with her hosts in her native Spanish.

Upon returning to the airport, she was given a raincheck and asked to return in about a week to a pier in Havana. The Venezuelans had already abandoned polluting air liners from their homeland in a wave of planet-saving patriotism. You could walk into Venezuela from neighboring Brazil or Colombia, or travel in by boat or ship, but not on an airplane polluting the atmosphere.  

In a show of solidarity, AOC chose to return to Miami on a boat, but the Cuban American community of Miami told her boat captain to “just skip Miami, we can’t guarantee the Congresswoman’s safety on Calle Ocho, or anyplace else in Miami for that matter.” So, AOC boated on back up the coast to safety in Washington where she reported to the world that all was well, happy, and prospering in Cuba and Venezuela now leading the world to the new socialist utopia. In Venezuela, there was even a celebrated return-to-nature movement so much espoused by the new Green Dealers. Venezuelans were planting their own little victory gardens since all the grocery stores were empty.

We haven’t even gotten to the free stuff, like free medicine for all, free college tuition, and how about this one, a guaranteed wage for everyone, even those not willing or wanting to work. Plus the New Green Deal and the Progressive agenda in general will end poverty (see LBJ), finish off nasty capitalism which has destroyed so much of America, and cancel all student debts.

How much better can it get?

Not all Democrats are on the new America bandwagon. Joe Biden said AOC was bright and brilliant while Nancy Pelosi said a glass of water could win an election in the solidly Democratic district she represents.

Published as “A fantastic future with lots of free stuff awaits,” in The Tuscaloosa News, July 21, 2019.