Announcing My Candidacy for President

Announcing My Candidacy for President

Never one for letting the trends get too far ahead of me and realizing that at my age I’m just hitting my stride, I am announcing my candidacy for president in the 2020 election.

I will run on an old party name from the nineteenth century, the Know Nothing Party. It lasted about two or three years and were known as the Know Nothing party because it was partly secret, and when interviewed by the media on their controversial stands on certain issues—such as anti-Catholicism, slavery, immigration, and xenophobia—they were encouraged to say “I know nothing.”

I kind of liked that, since it stands in contrast to the standard response of Republicans and plethora of Democrats running today, “I know everything, believe me.” Part of my campaign will be, “they know nothing either.”

Americans need a real choice. I even already have my book written and am ready to sell. I am simply waiting to be interviewed by Fox, CNN, or perhaps I’ll settle for the Kip Tyner show here in town. Kip’s “Great Day Alabama” tv show is on at noon, every day of the week, and I’m usually on every Monday so I have my ready-made media forum. He’s not as attractive as the sexy broads with long bare legs on Fox and the other glamour channels, but we need to start somewhere.

You may ask: well, what’s Larry’s platform? That’s a fair question. Is it socialism, capitalism, democracy, constitutionalism, the rule of law, Christianity, all religions, fairness, diversity, equity, free lunch, free education, free medicine, women’s rights, abortion rights, infant rights, old people rights, Catholic rights, Jewish rights, Muslim rights, Evangelical rights, or how about “everybody is right.” I promise not to offend any sector of society and appeal to all, and so will, obviously, construct a broadband winning ticket.

Which brings me, of course, to who will I invite to be my running mate? Perhaps an American Indian? Pocahontas? A different woman? Sarah Palin? She’s still very attractive and the last time I checked almost half the voters are still men. An astronaut? An African-American? A Hispanic? What about Bobby Jindal or Nikki Haley to catch the growing Indian-American vote?

How about our platform? NO NEW TAXES, of course, will be a leading slogan. Read my lips!

But, ah, George Bush already used that line written by speech writer Peggy Noonan and delivered at the Republican national convention when George accepted the nomination in August 1988. No new taxes.

Of course, all political candidates lie about taxes. It is a learned response as one makes her way up the political ladder. BTW, George agreed to increasing existing taxes in 1990, slippery rascal that he was. There is integrity, and then there are politicians. But I digress.

What about getting the word out to the voters? Trump triumphed by tapping into the new technologies, like Tweets. It reduces complicated issues to simple answers: how to deal with global warming, how to deal with stealing Chinese entrepreneurs, how to deal with Nancy Pelosi, how to build the wall, how to get Mexicans to pay for it, etc.

I propose to build a million drones like amazon is doing to deliver a zillion boxes. Know Nothing drones will blanket the country, coast to coast, with my message, fluttering down from the skies into the waiting hands and eyes of the voters.

The printed messages will be on recyclable paper of course, and everyone who returns a sheet to the collection headquarters at Know Nothing party headquarters will get a one-dollar refund from funds my staff will provide from some new tax source after I’m elected. One has to be elected before one can tax. This will be a small inducement to vote for me. That is called bribery, but it goes along with lying as we move into the political landscape and adopt its most successful formats.

There may be some flap from the FAA, the EPA, and all the other federal agencies taking care of us as the drones fill the airspace, but we’ll deal with them as they come up, or float down as the case may be from the drones to the voters.

We will target the message, of course, to fit the area we are blanketing. This will be the key to victory. Jobs for the job seekers. Free college tuition for all. Free medicine to go along with free tuition. A free Tesla electric car for all Earth Firsters who qualify. One percenters may opt for a new $200,000 Mercedes as prizes for making capitalism work and raising the GNP enough to afford free tuition and medicine.

For those too stoned to make sense of my candidacy, free tokes at your local Mary Jane Shoppe. If you have to look that up, you’re either too young or too old to recognize the value of my candidacy in keeping America and Americans happy.

Published as “I’m running as a Know-Nothing for President,” May 13, 2019 in The Tuscaloosa News.