I wasn’t sure how to title this piece, and, of course, my very efficient editors at the News will no doubt give it a suitable journalistic title. But it is in my ongoing series of what comes into my email box on a regular basis.
How much of it passes for news or honest information boggles my imagination and credibility at the outrageous claims of both those who post these items and the extreme naivete of those who read and believe what is claimed as news or accurate (and honest) information.
So, here goes, my semi-annual review of the latest inane or simply outrageous lies on the Internet, which may include many of your favorite apps like Facebook (and its associated Facebook Messenger), Google+, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Snapchat, Tumblr, Twitter, WhatsApp, and YouTube.
These social media websites have more than 100,000,000 registered users, and are almost totally devoid of any editing for accuracy or truth, degenerating daily into insults and accusations and diatribes and threats just for starters.
That people go to them for news and information—and then believe it—makes one wonder at the intelligence and credibility of the average American. Since the President is our commander and chief I owe him at the very least some modicum of respect that prevents me from commenting on how he was elected on the backs of tweets on Twitter, including the phantasmagoric one of promising to force the Mexicans to pay for a border wall to keep the Mexicans out.
So, what do Americans want and buy? Sex and money seem to be the biggest items on sale, followed closely by good health and a cure for all diseases and failures. It appears that as the Boomer generation reaches their sixties and seventies, their libidos are flagging, and they need help. If one multitasks (take note Boomers) and subscribes to many email ads, one can cure ED while you get rich, and, for you ladies, of course reverse the symptoms and ughs of aging.
I had no idea what ED was until I finally figured it out from all the cures on the Net. “Trending Now: Men, Eat This… Never Have ED Again REVOLUTIONARY TESTOSTERONE PILL NETS BIGGEST DEAL IN SHARK TANK HISTORY.”
Ok, I’d never heard of “shark tank” either. It is a reality show where budding entrepreneurs try to get five “sharks,” phenomenally successful entrepreneurs, to invest in your business or product. If you suffer from Erectile Disfunction (ED) you need this “revolutionary testosterone pill” that promises to restore you to a teenager’s virility. Since this is kind of a family-style column, I’ll leave the details to your imagination. Or, you can buy Viagra with a prescription and as the ads show, get in his and her tubs and hold hands, and…well you get the drift.
The biggest deal in shark tank history BTW was a product created by two Korean sisters. It promises a “permanent cure for erectile dysfunction.” One of Viagra’s side effects, on the other hand, is a four-hour erection. Go to the emergency room if that happens. I don’t know if the two Koreans invented something that lasts even longer than four hours. Unless you are living in the Playboy Mansion since Hugh Hefner left us, this too could be a problem.
If you are grooving along like a horny teenager with ED under control, what happens when you are at 36,000 feet and “knew something was wrong.” The pilot got dizzy and was diagnosed with vertigo and as a professional pilot, rapidly became “unemployed.” Flying has a low tolerance for dizzy, or drunk for that matter, pilots.
His bank account sank to empty until he discovered—are you ready to get rich, even with vertigo? —an unusual investing technique called “The Mayday Method.” In the first year he made $69,000, and in year two $391,000, and “you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
He’s right. I don’t believe it, but I bet a lot of readers do. You can look up “C. W. Hughes” on the Internet, along with the Mayday Method, and you’re on the way.
If you happen to get an itch on your way to wealth, not to worry since “scientists at a leading University from the United Kingdom have discovered a surprising link between having a desire to itch in an ‘odd’ part of your body and the onset of Alzheimer’s.” Heck, why get rich and then forget where you put all the money.
Luckily, this Internet site will reveal if you are showing early warning signals of Alzheimer’s (remember where you itch) go their website for the prevention of this awful disease.
And while you are getting rich with C. W. Hughes’s Mayday Method, you may wish to increase your wealth and financial success and guarantee “a lifestyle with total freedom” by taking a 10-week Challenge sponsored by Katie Yeakle. And mind you, you can earn big bucks as a copyeditor for all you impoverished writers still working on your first novel. Katie warns us however, “this will be your only chance this year to take advantage of this career-altering training,” so start immediately.
If you want to get rich more traditionally, like in the Stock Market, subscribe to the newsletter The Dividend Machine. The fellow, Bill Spetrino, who markets this fantastic offer, started with $9000 and now has $7 million. Want to know how? I’ll not reveal his secrets. Subscribe to the Dividend Machine and make even more investing than copyediting.
And once you determine where your scratching takes you, and get passed that peril (the onset of Alzheimer’s if you forgot already), but are feeling a bit old, and, let’s face it, looking old as well, then not to worry. Subscribe to the Iron Man Magazine and start reversing the process because “there are specific ways to move, eat, and think that tell your brain to STOP this rapid aging process…and even SLOW IT DOWN to the point where you’re aging less than a year for every year!” Becky and the editor of the magazine “have picked up SO many tips, tricks, and strategies that have allowed us to literally reverse the aging process, at least from a cellular level.”
As you go back in time, you will probably no longer need the ED meds either.
There is so much more in the Internet news that will simply have to wait for the next edition of what wonderful secrets are being revealed to us on a daily, almost hourly basis. I especially like the brain enhancers which effortlessly boost your IQ, improve memory, sharpen attention, and increase focus and have given users like Donald Trump and Tom Hanks sky rocking energy levels. The President “credits his ability to function and maintain focused on such a high level to a certain set of ‘smart drugs’ that enhance cognitive brain function and neural connectivity, while strengthening the prefrontal cortex and boosting memory and recall.” Hard to argue with all those long words! Ahh, and I forgot, the whole shebang comes to you as Formula Focus.
Published as “Finding the Truth on the Internet,” Sunday, Dec. 4, 2017 in The Tuscaloosa Newsi.
Posted on January 29, 2018
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