Breaking News: Thomas Jefferson Expelled from American History

Posted on January 29, 2018

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This column is dedicated to the memory and wit of Southern humorist Lewis Grizzard (1946-1994). He died too soon, but could pull your leg as well as any other American of the 20th century. For those of you under fifty, you can look up Grizzard

We’ve just seen the newest version of a leading American history textbook. It is the most complete, up-to-date, sensitive, and progressive history to go into our colleges and universities, something that all students and faculty will be able to count on for a true and sensitive rendering of the truth in American history. And the high school version is even simpler as befits the newer, gentler history taught in k-12.

Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States and the author of the Declaration of Independence, has been banished, purged from American history.

A leading slaveholder of his era and proponent of an imperial America (read the Louisiana Purchase) who was insensitive to the feelings of true Americans—the Indians—and most certainly to African-Americans, T. J. is no more.

Not only are statues of the man being systematically torn down, but the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C. has been remodeled into a memorial for all the African slaves in American history.

The man who hypocritically authored the phrase, “all men are created equal,” is gone. That he had children with his slave mistress Sally Hemings has been proven a huge lie to cover up his insensitive and cruel convictions about the supremacy of the white race.

Those unions with Sally never happened as described. It was a fabrication created by Jeffersonian fanatics whose goal is to perpetuate an idyllic and just Jefferson, one devoted to equality and justice.

Findings by modern, progressive historians have proven that Hemings was exploited and violated by the president systematically over her life.

Ongoing research has already expunged the “founding father,” George Washington, also a slaveholder and white race supremacist, from the record.
Washington, D. C. is in the process of being renamed Georgiana or Carverville, after George Washington Carver, but the committee, led by Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts, doesn’t think Georgiana or Carverville sound dignified enough. She suggested something in line with her long and deep Cherokee heritage (best guess is 1/32 Cherokee, maybe…) which has propelled her along in Massachusetts politics. Warren suggested “Sequoyahville,” after the inventor of the Cherokee alphabet.

Senator Bernie Sanders, on renaming Washington D.C., said “let’s just stick with the District of Columbia” for continuity with the past.

However, ex-President Obama, now reading some history books between speeches and golf courses, pointed out that Christopher Columbus had enslaved Indians after he discovered America and so the Great Discoverer too must be discarded.
The subject of reparations came up in the course of challenging the existence of Columbus Circle and Christopher Columbus’s statue in Manhattan, and Congressman John Lewis of Georgia and Congresswoman Terri Sewell of Alabama made the case for whites paying reparations to African Americans for causing and promoting the slave experience.

Ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich got wind of this and in a sixty Tweet message, reminded everyone that African chiefs and leaders themselves enslaved their own people to sell to Portuguese and Spanish slave traders in the fifteenth century.

So, who was responsible for African slavery? Gingrich’s tweets and views on history were dismissed as fabrications. Africans were victims across the board, regardless of who enslaved them.

“That’s just a red herring,” said Lewis.

Duke University progressive students defaced and vandalized a small statue of Robert E. Lee located at the entrance to the Duke Chapel, upon which the President of Duke, Vincent E. Price, had the statue removed in recognition of the heightened sensitivities of Duke students.

In the meantime, the purge of history sweeps across America as statues and monuments are yanked off public squares, some defaced and spray painted before being buried in a warehouse. They have some work cut out for them, however, as they rewrite American history by destroying Confederate monuments and statutes, which number over 700 across the land in a recent CNN report.

There has been some pushback from a few disgruntled Americans who would rather leave history alone, but anyone desiring to keep Robert E. Lee in public view was dismissed. Lee was a racist, and probably a misogynist as well. Lee, for example, was adamant in keeping women out of the Army of Northern Virginia.

Do we need any more proof?”

Published as “Jefferson Wiped from American History,” in The Tuscaloosa News, Sunday January 7, 2018.

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Posted in: History, Humor