Your Wish is My Command, the Internet Genie

Posted on November 29, 2016


Everyone is acquainted with the magical genie of course. My favorite genie was portrayed by Barbara Eden in “I Dream of Genie.” She was a nice girl, very attractive in her genie outfits, and gave genies a good name.


 Genies of course give people three wishes when you rub the magic bottle. But today we don’t need genies. All we need is access to the Internet, and, presto, your wishes are granted.

Today we do one of our periodic examinations of what comes into my Internet “in” box.

I really don’t know where to start. Loose weight with no effort? Sleep like a baby? Get rich quick? Restore your sight? And your hearing too? Reverse brain aging? Cure your herpes? Have fantastic sex with Asian beauties? Maybe your’re prejudiced against Orientals. No problem. Lots of other ethnic beauties available from hot Brazilian women to beautiful Russian girls. None of these “high maintenance American women” you’re tired of dealing with.

I’m not making up this stuff. Maybe you’re afraid Ukranian beauties might be turned off because you’re too fat. No problem. Try this “German doctor’s 2-Minute Ritual For 1 Pound of Daily Belly Fat Loss.” That’s thirty pounds a month.

Afraid you won’t be able to afford some of these secrets to sex and weight loss?  Not to worry. Try these “Groundbreaking secrets to triple your income.”

Having trouble reading lately? “Breaking News: Doctors Have Recently Found a New-Natural-Method to Restore-Vision to 20/20 in 19-Days.” That’s nineteen pounds you will have lost while you restore your vision to 20-20. Genie-cure math can get complicated.

I especially liked the promises of this cure: “This method requires no-surgery, no lasers, and can be performed without interrupting your day to day life. It will reverse even the worst cases of shortsightedness, farsightedness, macular-degeneration, cataracts, glaucoma, as well as many other visual-conditions.

In fact the 35-BILLION dollar eye-care industry is desperately-trying to keep this method quiet. It is THAT successful.” My poor ophthalmologist is probably retraining right now as a carpenter to keep working.

While your restoring your eyesight, might as well fix the old ears too.

“Medical professionals are encouraged about a natural formula proven to regain hearing loss in just 3 weeks.”

“45,657 study participants have used this method. Participants say “the instructions are pretty weird”, but it “works much better than any other hearing solution.”

“In just 22 days, many participants have eliminated the need for hearing aids.”

So, keeping track? In twenty-two days, restore your hearing, restore your vision to 20-20 and lose, let’s see, twenty-two pounds.

Still think all this will cost too much, even after tripling your income? Try this website: “Time to tell the truth: here’s how average Americans can get rich.”

Afraid you can’t keep track of all these marvels transforming your body. You need a “brain enhancer.” Formula Focus is “the most powerful brain enhancer in the world.” But, “due to overwhelming demand, this product is selling out fast. Act now before supplies are sold out!”

I haven’t even mentioned great stuff to stop ear ringing, growing hair and meeting “smoking hot cougars.” That’s an older woman for you non-Millennials.

What is extraordinary to me is that people bored, naïve, or plain stupid will toggle on these sites and expect some of the outrageous services being offered, from miracle cures to free sex.

There have always been hucksters in our society and there have always been people suckered in. The Internet just makes it instantly available to millions, rather than from a fellow at the local county fair moving his bottles of cure-all elixir from a small tent.

Most of those “cures” always helped some since they were laced with drugs like opiates, and high proof to boot. Take a swig and the tooth sure stopped hurting.

We are, I suppose, addicted to satisfying our needs, believing that cures and happiness are just a toggle away on the computer.

The old saying comes to mind. “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” Even free lunches down at the local public food kitchens come with messages of some sort.

Just toggle on any of the solicitations on the Internet, and your Internet address will be instantly recorded in some data bank. Like the Energizer Bunny, they’ll be back.

And if you did the sex thing, your name and address will go into a database that often gets published as the Wiki leaks guys have a field day with infidelity.

Published as “Internet is the Genie of Our Time” in The Tuscaloosa News, Sunday Nov. 14, 2016.