Your Heart’s Desire Fulfilled

We need a little break from the primaries. Today we take one of our short tours of my email inbox, which, despite multiple spam blockers and other defenses, continues to defy reality with splendid news.

According to a recent email the solution to our loss of memory can be found now on the Internet. A new “memory serum” that “works miraculously in humans” has just been revealed in CNN Health. Those who take it “remember everything.”

Another touted “Trump’s IQ Secret.” However, that sounds like a non sequitur. Mr. Trump, however, seems to be everywhere. “How Donald Trump Turned into the Quickest Thinker on the Planet,” came from ABC News. This is amazing and you may wish to contact Mr. Trump to get his secrets of quick thinking.

On the other hand, if you can’t think or speak fast, or increase your IQ with Mr. Trump’s other secret, then you may have better luck improving your libido, which is located in another part of your body having absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

Apparently there are sexy Asian, Russian, and Japanese women all over the place just looking for an American boyfriend. If you want a match, toggle on another link and you’re off to paradise.

Not interested in Asian or Russian hotties? You’re a real patriot? Well American women, mostly married, mature, and very keen on secret, discrete (of course) liaisons, are just waiting for you with the touch on ashleymadison.com  Buy American and keep your dollars at home.

And for you golfers, “have you ever felt lonely on the 9th hole?” one web site queries. For “golf singles, meet, play golf, date and fall in love” at this email address.

Now, the guy who wrote that pitch is obviously not a golfer. I have seen attractive women golfers of course who look far better than the old farts I play with, but most of us are not feeling lonely on the 9th hole. We are trying to figure out how to make that long put, largely because we screwed up our approach shot, and besides, the 19th hole beckons, not a secret liaison with our Asian caddy, no matter how attractive she is.

And, if after all this effort, you are having issues with all these Russian and Asian girls, golfers, and maybe even your spouse. Another email touts, “leave your wife speechless from your performance in bed.” She will especially be speechless if you are in someone else’s bed. The down side, other than the pitfalls of infidelity, is that a famous dating service has implicated millions of lotharios over the past year when someone got ahold of their database and made it public.

Want more secrets? How about the Fountain of Youth in a bottle? An 87 year-old, decrepit veteran of WWII was given a “super-drink” by his wife. He was rejuvenated, and more.

Where did this drink come from? “It was a super-drink that was originally created for older guys in the Coast Guard to help them keep up with the younger guys in their unit.” It worked great and spread among the elite services until someone caught on and forced the Coast Guard and the super-drink’s maker to go public. Now 23,497 “seniors swear by this drink.” Maybe it’s the one rejuvenating Donald Trump.

In the interest of your own, and public, safety, I have to tell you about the ‘Self-Defense Tool that will Change and Save Lives.” This weapon fits in your pocket, is as deadly as a gun, you can take it on a plane, but the ex-CIA officer who developed it “only has 250 to give out today.” Sorry, you probably lost out by now.

Now, let me add, in closing, with a question: are we that incredulous??? Isn’t there some rule out there about “truth in advertising?” I can understand the obsessions—sex, money, more sex, health, safety, youth, and now with the Boomers moving into their seventies, all of the above with youth and memory boosters, but, really folks, what happened to our reason and experience in the light of these spectacular claims by hucksters of every stripe?

I do get wonderful emails however, largely from services I subscribe to—all free of course—on Christianity, good books, and sales of the newest IT gadgetry that I didn’t know existed.

Now I need to find that Internet address for the laptop which flips into a tablet I didn’t know I wanted until I saw it advertised. And the watch that speaks to you, beeps you when texts arrive, takes dictation, has dozens of colorful app icons, and even tells time. I think Mickey Mouse or Superman had one like that.

Published as “Spam Email is the Snake Oil of the Twenty-First Century,” in The Tuscaloosa News, Sunday, February 21, 2016.