My In-Box, or Everything You Need to Know

I think the spirit of the late Andy Rooney, commentator on CBS’s Sixty Minutes, must have inhabited me for a short while last week. Andy, of course, was the curmudgeonly old reporter who brought all sorts of items to the table (some literally) and commented with wit and wisdom on the foibles of life.

So, one morning last week, I copied the subject line of much of the inbox in my email. What follows are samples of what comes in, and, let me say, they are all fit for family reading. My spam blockers, electronic pornographic fences, etc. are all in place and keep the worst from usually reaching my junk box.

But one never knows. One day a year or two ago my wife was doing some research on some aspect of the life of Jesus (she is a woman of the cloth) and asked me to search the web for the Virgin Mary.

So I googled “Virgin Mary.” Believe me, there were no virgins on the web sites that popped up. I’m no prude, but I was bug eyed after a few seconds and quickly moved to delete, delete, delete, scrambling to find the key since my eyes, obeying their own dictum, were glued on the screen while my brain was saying “keyboard, keyboard!”

What follows is a sampling of what arrived one morning.

My favorite subject line has to be “from Lady Bird Johnson.” What a pleasant surprise, a personal message from a dead First Lady. The Internet as medium, channeling—I presumed–something nice about Texas.

I skimmed the message rapidly and then moved on, passing up the opportunity to communicate with someone in the afterlife and so get a heads up on what’s ahead for me, and all of us actually. That could be quite a good service.

Speaking of services, I grouped some together since they have a common denominator:

·       You can meet Black singles near you now

·       Available black singles looking for romance near you

·       Senior Single Adults 50+ -Meet someone near you

·       Profiles/Pics Of Mature Adult Singles Looking For Love

·       Boost your testosterone with vydox today

Presumably the last one is to help you out once you identify a partner from the others. Everything is available on the Internet. “Mature” BTW is simply code for old people.

If you are in the reproductive age, the Internet has you covered for the consequences of meeting singles looking for love.

·       Save money on nursing bras today

If you’re bald and can’t get a romance started, here’s the fix, just a quick click away.

·       Hairloss [sic] is no longer irreversible

And once you get past the baby stage and into toddlers and Kindergartners, and decide to home school, here’s a problem some homeschoolers face.

·       DailyFocus – Snakes in a Sandbox

Got to watch out for those sneaky vipers.

As you become successful in your work, you may wish to consider this one.

·       Schedule a Private-Jet-Flight – Join the 1%

That one really addressed the inner me, although the outer me wonders when the inner me joined the 1%, unless it is the 1% at the lower end of the economic spectrum.

In case you can’t quite afford a private jet, not to worry, the inbox has you covered.

·       Schedule a private-yacht rental – in your budget

And as you age, turn to the inbox naturally.

·       Get Your Free Consultations for Dentures & Dental Implants!

·       Doctor’s Cure for Heart Disease Now #1 Amazon Best-Seller

·       You could lose inches in under a month

·       Stop Eating THIS and Kill Heaps of Cancer Cells

Need a new or used car, if you have any money left after renting a jet?

·       Someone You Know Has Sent You An Incredible Local Car Deal

Looking for just a chance at something, anything?

·       Private Invitation: Our Best Price Ever

 I love the “private” invitations and messages; sent to only a few select billions on the Internet.

And if you’re bored and really want to keep up with the news, there’s a

·       Public Hearing On the Use of Drones by States in the Americas Before the IACHR

I have no idea what the INCHR is but it looks like we no longer have a monopoly on drones. Could the Mexican mafia be using them to spy on the ICE guys sneaking around behind the fence?

Or, one of my favorites, as a near perfect examples of insanity defined by Albert Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

·       The UN Voted to Condemn the US Embargo for the 22nd Time

Or, if you are having one of those rare moments of well-being, get back to reality with

·       West Frets as Iran’s Nuclear Bomb Timeline Keeps Shrinking

and

·       Iran announces 34 new nuclear plants being built

All of course devoted to peaceful applications.

And for those still bored, you too can watch scans of young women and old ladies at the Airport security check, although now you need a degree to go with the neat badges and gloves.

·       Guide To Homeland Security Degree Programs

And finally, how about giving the old brain a workout after reading this piece of fluff. Just go to

·       Tricks for the brain

You gotta be kidding. Tricks for the brain? Mine works hard enough just imagining the quacks, scam artists, and knuckleheads who send me email.

Published in my column, The Port Rail, Sunday November 17, 2013, The Tuscaloosa News