How to Defeat ISIS

Posted on May 9, 2015


I discovered a fool proof way to defeat ISIS over the past few days while installing a new computer and upgrading my apps, connections to the Internet, the stuff we are all familiar with, right.

Of course, if you all find some loose Jihadists who somehow got lost in Tuscaloosa, Alabama on their way to the nearest pie of nitrate-loaded manure to make their bombs, you will have to kill them before they read this column.

This is top secret, or even better, NATO top secret, that is only for a few eyes. You are among the fortunate few to have access. Please be careful how you handle it.

For anyone who has acquired a new computer, tablet, iPhone, Android, etc. recently, loaded with all the newest in security apps—McAfee, Norton, Webroot, etc.—to prevent unauthorized access to sensitive data, like your social security number, passwords and bank accounts, your name, etc. the process can be daunting.

The general rule in computer power is that there will be an increase in memory every two years, with consequent increases in speed. That may be the rule/s for computer geeks and IT people.

For the rest of us, there will a constantly increasing complexity to do something simple like connect your Android to your social media site. These events are innocently called “upgrades.”

Be wary of anything that comes through the screen of your device that has “upgrade” on it. This will sound like one of the best things to happen to you. It isn’t. Throw in “update” as well. It is a close relative of “upgrade.”

With your new computer–faster than your old clunker–,smaller and so more space efficient, you will also receive—free– a newer and faster interface—an “upgrade”–called a new “operating system.”

That you won’t recognize anything on your new operating system, since it too has been “upgraded” is irrelevant to the rules of computers and capitalism. You will simply have a slightly more inclined “learning curve.”

In practical terms, this means it may take you weeks to print a document as you search for the new print commands on your new, and improved operating system.

When you call up Tech Support to ask a question, you will just as likely speak to a Pakistani or Indian where Dell and others “outsource” their technical support. They are very pleasant young people, mostly guys, but I find their English hard to comprehend. So we do a lot of “what?” or “could you say that again?”

My latest experience with a new computer has produced more angst than a death in the family, and the latter may be easier to deal with than the former.

The new computer was for my wife’s sewing room. While she loves her cell phone and texts away like mad, she’s not much on computers.

No bother. I will set it up and have it running in a day, or two, or three. I pitched in the towel with the first set of instructions which mentioned ports, IMAP, Pop3, SMTPs, servers, SSL, Standard HTTP – without CDN, which begs the question, what’s a CDN?.

And, then, let’s assume, let’s just assume that you did everything right and nothing happens the way it is supposed to. Then there may be other explanations coming from New Delhi: “ah, we need to tweak the config.sys, or plug the plethora conduit,” or you get the drift.

If you have been reading so far, how do we get rid of or destroy ISIS? Since they recruit heavily on social media, Facebook or Tweet their breaking news like beheading Christians on the beaches of Libya, and obviously are Internet and IT savvy, here’s what we do.

We keep a few things secret, like, for example, how we target and program our drones. I’ll let the intel and cyberspace gurus determine what has to stay with us.

Everything else is made available to ISIS, indirectly of course so they won’t get the drift they are being set up.

After a few weeks or months of getting used to their new equipment and apps, send them updates that have to be installed to keep their equipment up to date. Imbed a few little bugs in the software and apps deep in the code.

When their equipment slowly goes down, they will become slobbering idiots condemning Western computers.
Send them a message, kind of an update. You guys are toast. Sorry, but the Crusaders have done it once again.

The generals and admirals can then do what they are supposed to be good at doing—“boots on the ground,” drones, whatever. There will be little to no resistance as the bleary-eyed ISIS continue to stare at their computer screens trying to figure out the fix.

This OpEd published Sunday May 3, 2015 in The Tuscaloosa News

Posted in: Humor